Love

When you love someone,

you enjoy spending time with them

you love talking to them and sharing your thoughts

you laugh a lot with them

you spend as much time as you can with them

you want to know their thoughts and opinions and every facet of them

you are honest with them and want to be a better person for them

you compliment them and you are proud of them

you are attracted to them

you only have eyes for them

you notice their flaws and embrace them anyway

you see a future with them

you care for their health

you ask for their opinions and include them in your decisions

you see yourself including them in your current and future plans

you are willing to compromise and step out of your comfort zone

you see yourself growing old with them

you like who you are when you are with them. 

Desolation

She remarks innocently on one of the comments. He gets intrigued and wants to learn more about her. 

They start talking and get to know each other. He tests the boundaries and pushes it as much as possible. 

She has attachment issues and limerence. She finds herself overwhelmed by the avalanche of attention and fun. She gets scared, expresses her fear for boundaries, emotional upheaval and tempest. He promises to hold back but she feels it is too late. 

She weaves fantasies. He tell her he is just a friend several times. But he weaves a different kind of romantic fantasies. She is confused by the mixed signals and messaging. 

She finds herself in a quicksand, only she enjoys the moments of drowning. There is a looming fear of not existing but there is also the current exhilaration.

She notices several red flags: he is married, he tells her repeatedly he is just a friend and wants to find love with someone else. He does not ask after her health or offer support while she is suffering. He rebuffs her with I'm not sure how to help you. I am not trained. He leaves her when she is distressed. He clearly does not make time to talk to her even as a friend. 

While in the beginning, he was constantly spending time with her, as time passes, he only talks to her when he needs her, mostly at the end of the day for a few minutes. What he says is a fantasy of romance, a story, a fantasy interspersed with I am just being a friend.

While she felt his genuine interest at the start and a curiosity to know more, a fascination because she is different, during the last days, she feels he thinks of her as a passing acquaintance. 

She is confused and lost, Her past trauma gets triggered by her abandonment, She gets anxious and feels abandoned. She is confused why she is unable to cope like everyone else and move on. It is heartbreaking. The future that seemed bleak and foggy now looks annihilated.

She craves his presence and the initial days. She curses herself for speaking her mind. Her overactive mind swirls the possibilities of what ifs and if only. She beats herself up for repeating the mistakes over and over. She vents but it isn't enough. She asks everyone if they ever seen him. 

She cries out for him,  looks for any sign of him and searches to reach out to him. It turns out to be a waste of time, energy and expectations. She begins to question if he ever did say the truth. She does not know his name, any pertinent detail that would identify him. She starts to think everything is a lie. 

She does not want to hold on to the memories, to suffer for someone who could callously abandon her. But, she knows not a way to let go.

Abandoned

Have any of u broken up with a friend? 

How did u cope? 

Does it hurt that they just dont give a damn and can leave so easily?

Did they really care? Was it all lies? I can't think that it was all lies. That just seems so impossible to believe. But it has to be lies, if they can leave cruelly. Not knowing it making me so angry, but the anger is just my sadness hiding.

I feel like its a playbook for some people, both men and women, not a gender thing.

 They have some void in their life, to fill it they seek company of a nice person. 

They suck their energies, weave fantasises, push boundaries and mesmerise them.

Once they realise the nice person is way into them, they realise the reality that the other person is a living, breathing being, not a toy, thing who they can say whatever they want to. 

Then, they get spooked.  So they disappear. It is so easy for them to disappear because nothing about them is real. Its only fantasy.

And because it is a lie, a fantasy to them, it doesn't hurt them.

They can just find another victim. To do the same thing to other people over and over.

I dont really care about acquaintances or friends talking behind my back or making fun of me or not helping me even though they receive help. I just let go. Because its ok I didn't care all that deeply, we were just friends for a while, it was good while it lasted. 

But when I care truly and deeply its hard to let go.

Red flags to relationships

There are several red flags to relationships; some of them are listed below.

Already married or in a committed relationship: Yes, they are never going to leave their partner even if they say they are going to. It is a very rare occurance. Its a power/ego trip to the married person and destroys the self identity of the partner who is single.

Is not willing to meet or spend quality time together

Does not share phone number or socials 

No physical attraction

Does not see a future or talk about future plans

Is very romantic but insists we are only friends 

Deflects, dodges and does not answer questions or share their views

Not financially stable and refuses to talk about it

Restricted religious views

No open communication and trust

Past relationship trauma which makes them have trust issues, triggers and angry reactions to minor things

Avoidant attachment in relationships

Says racist or inappropriate things but insists they are impertinent

Refuses accountability

Refuses to apologize even when they acknowledge its their fault

Anxious attachment which triggers abandonment issues causing them to threaten self harm

Not willing to establish boundaries but will test by pushing boundaries 

Not supportive or listen when partner wants to vent. Insists its their problem and they dont want to hear about it.

Makes decision in silos and does not consult partners for decisions

Does not understand mental health issues and blames partner for being negative, sad all the time 

Does not know how to express their needs or is not willing to 

Silent treatment, withdrawal, ghosting, blocking and ignoring when there are concerns  that the partner wants to talk about. But will return after a cooling off period and will refuse to talk about the reason for their withdrawal

On-again, off-again relationships

Physical abuse, hitting, assault, violence, rape

Verbal abuse like criticism, belittling, name calling, humiliation, bullying, nagging, shouting

Neglect, gaslighting, plays blame game

Unstable emotions that makes you feel like you are walling on eggshells

No love or romance, no encouragement or motivation, praise

Does not understand love language or makes the effort

Unable to comfort the partner during physical or mental struggles 

Hopefully you realise the red flags and have a conversation with the partner and find a way to resolve them.

Roller coaster

 

Rollercoaster of emotions, but not a fun ride.

I start to see the glimmers but the triggers are overwhelming

Suffering in silence, waiting for the release.

Words hurt, you are mad, negative. 

If I were you, I would see a therapist.

Talk to your parents, this is for the best.

Partners in crime but only when the weather is fair

Leave when it turns stormy.

Friends and strangers left to pick up the damaged pieces

Ache to speak to him, see him or hear the lovely words

Know not how to reach him for he is gone.

Don't want to live, want the pain to end.

The Story - Part 4

To read the other parts, click 

The Story - Part 1,   The Story - Part 2  and  The Story - Part 3

That night she was waiting for him to be online. She had slept during the one hour he was online. She started getting an anxiety attack. She felt like she could not function if she did not talk to him. She messaged him on his blog. He saw her message and was online. She explained her situation. He replied that if i was you i would see a therapist again, I enjoy being your friend that is all. You have trauma and that makes me seem better and that she should stay safe. She replied angrily that if that were the case he would not be leaving romantic messages in her blog. She struggled to explain that she was not a thing or a toy. He replied that he was unfair to her and that he has to go but worries that she was upset, he was not sure how to help her. She said that she wanted to harm herself. He left her. 

She deleted the comments she had left in his blog. She later found that he had deleted his blog. She was confused, heart broken and crushed. She felt guilty and ashamed that she had pushed him away. She wanted to be in his life even as a friend, as an outlier point. She had felt a ray of hope when he told her about his trauma that they might have each other their lives. But, now she had lost him once and for all.

Love sickness ease... from his mistress' eye

 Sonnet 153
William Shakespeare

                                Cupid laid by his brand and fell asleep:                               
A maid of Dian’s this advantage found,
      And his love-kindling fire did quickly steep
In a cold valley-fountain of that ground;
       Which borrowed from this holy fire of Love,
A dateless lively heat, still to endure,
And grew a seething bath, which yet men prove,
Against strange maladies a sovereign cure.
But at my mistress’ eye Love’s brand new-fired,
The boy for trial needs would touch my breast;
I, sick withal, the help of bath desired,
And thither hied, a sad distempered guest,
     But found no cure, the bath for my help lies,
     Where Cupid got new fire; my mistress’ eyes.
 

This is a story about Cupid, Roman God of Love and one of Diana's maids. Cupid lays down his torch and falls asleep. While sleeping, one of Diana's maids takes advantage of his weakness and steals his "love-kindling" fire. She takes it to a "cold-valley fountain" (a spring) to extinguish it. 

However, the spring into which Diana’s maid puts cupid’s fire turns into a “seething bath”, where we can find an universal cure for illness. Any “strange maladies” are remedied by a “sovereign cure.” 

The speaker has an endless passion for the DarkLady. When he sees his mistress, or even just her eye, he becomes aroused once more. His passion is the Cupid's torch and it flares up with one look from his mistress. 

The speaker is lovesick for the DarkLady and wants to be cured from his malady. He determines that the seething bath can cure his malady - lovesickness; but it does not. He is a sad distempered guest at the bath but does not find a cure. 

The only thing that makes the speaker feel better, and his love sickness ease, is a look from his mistress’ eye.

The only thing that can cure my lovesickness is one look from his eye.

The Story - Part 3

Steph's rejection hurt her. She felt inadequate, it confirmed her fears of limerence. It reiterated what she had known, that she could not fit in his world, could not form a part of his world and yet could not forget him. She created a post of her love for him and told him of her lucid dreams. He left a romantic note as comments. He said he created a blog LoveconquersDepression and was planning to write. She was delighted. She attempted to explain why she fell for him. She felt that he came at her like a ocean hide hide drowning her with care and fun and joy. she enjoyed drowning and being washed away by the tide. She liked him for who he revealed himself to be. He replied that at first he was nervous and was not sure what drove him. But that he felt a little bit more confident in the relationship. He was calmer now but his moods might fluctuate later. 

She expressed surprise that he liked her at all. He said that their tastes in books, music align which suggests that their energies align and we pick up on subtle clues. She said that he calms her down and he said that she calms him as well.  He felt that she likes the sad side of him and he is like Flyn Rider who has a heart of gold tinged with sadness. He has a deep sadness and he words the sentences to show the sadness in a way that is artsy and that she picks up on it. He thought she liked the romance, sadness, confidence and idealism in him. He felt that it has to be bad and should break the rules. He asked her about her parents, if they would accept him. She replied honestly that they may not but maybe with age, they had changed and she was not sure about how they might react. He told her he checked the weather of her place and surprised her by suggesting a few of the places near her home for a walk.

She described about falling for him similar to learning about pollination and picking up a flower, peeling of its petals to see the stalk, stigma and the to see how flowers become fruits. She said that he was like the dancing petals of a flower when he talked about things that excite him and getting to know him was like peeling the petals of a flower and the more she learned the more she was delighted. He said that he felt he could fill a need in her but the long term effect could be pain. She explained that she could not have an affair she wanted a marriage, a family and every commitment that goes with it. He said it was scary to him because it would harm so many people. 

That day she asked him about his education and work experience. He had finished his education and had three degrees in Physics, Sociology and Computers. He then started a company in IT with a friend and worked for multiple companies. That was the first time he mentioned his trauma. He did not want to talk about it as it was giving him a headache. 

The Story - Part 2

Summer was officially over, fall was turning the leaves golden and yellow. Steph was describing his garden to her. After the breakup, she was devastated but relied on Steph and her friends for emotional support. The relationship itself lasted three months but she felt the effect of the past trauma very keenly. Steph encouraged her to go out. All she was now capable of doing was shower, cook and eat. While she used to sleep around midnight, she was sleeping later and later until she started sleeping at six in the morning. Steph was there for her constantly. He would appear every few hours in between meetings to check on her, talk to her and get to know her. He encouraged her to paint the walls of her kitchen and the repairs in her bedroom. He always talked about his love for outdoors and working out and encouraged her to go out in the sun and workout more. He joked that if he were brown, he would stay all day in the sun. In the course of a month, they felt a bond and connection that was a mutual delight.

At first, Steph did not reveal much of himself to her. She felt he was being very cautious and was testing the waters if she is genuine and if she is who she said she is. Their conversations centered around workplace, crushes on bosses, people who have fallen for them and stories about how he impressed some of the women in his life. He mildly seemed to flirt with her and she lapped up the attention. He sent her his recordings with one of the women he fell in love with singing at the end of the song. At first, he sent her a very attractive picture but with the hoodie of the jacket on. She joked that he looked like a very beautiful, muslim woman with a head scarf. He also told her he was 46 years old. They had conversations about core values where she mentioned that hers were honesty, integrity and ethics. He valued human connection and happiness above all else. He then revealed his true age which was 52 and that he has had affairs in the past. While she found this mildly shocking, she was touched that he would actually trust her with the truth and was more drawn to him. With this mutual acceptance and delight to have found each other, she wanted to learn more about him.

Steph was a revelation to her. She had never met anyone like him. He had a normal childhood with well to parents who were loving and supportive. He played rugby, tennis, golf and loved mixed martial arts, jujutsu and judo. He said that he was a kid who was not very interested in other people. He was smart, intelligent, healthy and physically active and he knew it. He was a popular kid in high school and said it was easy being popular. It was in university he found women and that had changed his world. He played piano, sax, drums, bass, guitar and sang sweetly. He impressed her by sending her the song he had recorded for her. He believed in forgiveness, nonjudgementalness, unlimited second chances, softness, self sacrifice and love. He did not believe in search for justice. She found herself mesmerized by him. She sent him the link to her blog and they discovered similar tastes in books. He like Silmarillion to LOTR, the Dune books and romantic books like Anna Karenina. 

She started telling him everything about herself. Her childhood, trauma, abuse, growing up with strict parents, the religious upbringing, the love of gardens and birds her mother had instilled in her. She told him about her fondest childhood memories, collecting flowers in the garden, watering the plants, watching birds' nests. They talked about politics and they agreed a lot, where she disagreed, he gently explained the reasons for his opinion and she found herself agreeing to it. They talked about religion and race and economy. He was a big guy at 6 4' and when he said he could take on any man in a fight, she found his confidence and arrogance charming. He liked when she called him a charming liar. 

She wanted to know him more. She asked him for a voice note just to see what he sounded like, but he refused and instead sent his recordings. She asked to voice call and he sent her voice notes.  When he mentioned that he had a very secure relationship with his wife, they went out on dates and she felt the first pain pierce her heart. She wanted to watch a movie with him and when she learned that he had watched Notting Hill with his wife, she left the chat. She found herself falling for him. She told him about her attachment issues and shared the videos on limerance and suggested that they perhaps should stop speaking. He had always flirted with her in a romantic way but never in any other manner. He promised to keep the conversation absolutely appropriate and not to push boundaries for fun.

While Steph made the promise, she felt he did not stick to it. He talked about the honeymoon tradition which originated in the medieval times where the groom would kidnap his bride and hold her until her family would give up the search or she would get pregnant, making all questions of her return moot. She smiled and replied he could kidnap her anytime and she wanted a girl baby but a boy baby would be great too. She started lucid dreaming about him and told him her dreams. He told her that he did not want to lose her, he could only be a friend to her and that of course if they met at 20 and lived in same country, he would have asked for a date, but that is not reality. 

The Story - Part 1

It was the strangest meet cute. They met in a mental health chat support site. She was a user for four years. She accidentally discovered the website during the pandemic when the usual chat site she went to for social contact was shut down until further notice due to reports of pedophilia. It was June. She had received the information that she was laid off in May. She fell into deep depression. It seemed to be the inevitable end to what was turning out to be freefall of mishaps and misunderstanding at her workplace. She was not surprised, she knew something was coming. It was a relief when she was told about the layoffs. 

Her mind however went into a deep survival mode depression. She showered, ate, cooked and watched Bluebloods. Her sleep schedule was topsy turvy, she slept when she was tired, laid in bed and watched her show. That was when she met Steph. Steph was a user in the same chat site. He was talking about his gardens, how he had these beautiful trees and plants and flowers blooming. He was brimming with sunshine and happiness, a sharp contrast from the usual, dreary misfortunes that was aired by the tormented souls who vented on the main chat. She was transported to the Japanese zen gardens she had created in mind when she read "Memoirs of Geisha". She responded how she loved gardens and plants. Steph private messaged her. His username was ****. Hers was ***. He talked to her about planting Cayla lillies and the trees and his plans to expand his garden. He was saying how the garden was in full bloom that summer. She imagined a small, Japanese woman toiling away at the perfect garden with a wooden bridge, a small pond  beneath with koi fish and flowers blooming on the shore of the pond with huge trees in the background. She loved his energy and was warmed by the enthusiasm emanating from her mobile screen. She lowered her guard and talked about her childhood enthusiasm for the small garden and the plants her parents grew. She told him about being laid off at work and her troubles with work. He encouraged her to seek employment in other countries and to move there. Imagine her surprise when she learned that he was a Canadian, married and worked in a leadership position with Dcx. She chastised herself for thinking that all kind souls are women and decided to form a friendship with him.

The next few weeks Steph private messaged her whenever he was online. She was of course online all the time, neglecting to live her life, struggling to do basic chores, finding motivation from the Spanish guy, Marc, whom she had recently met in the chatsite who motivated her, listened and empathised with her and was by then her boyfriend of two weeks. Marc was her first white boyfriend and by mid July, she was smitten with him. Steph was a good friend in her mind. He messaged her whenever he was online. They talked of architecture, temples she loved, her trip to one of the beautiful temples in June. She brushed aside his suggestions about moving abroad for work having turned down an opportunity to work in London the previous year. She shared details about her work and the toxic environment she had come to resent and the disastrous end to her previous job. He was kind and cheerful and supportive. 

In the months of June, July and August she rarely had time for her friends because she was getting to know Marc. She had slowly started to paint her furniture, her bedroom, clean, cook and eat healthily. She was turning positive about the future. It was a huge struggle for her to go out to buy stuff, paints for the walls, groceries etc. But with the support of Marc and the new energy she got from the relationship, the happiness from being accepted and the validation from a guy, she managed to have a semblance of life despite her struggles. By mid July, she learned that Marc's wife had accused him of domestic violence, he was financially not well off and would not be able to support a new family if she wanted one with him. Their plans to meet in person came to an end when Marc told her that he did not have a legal visa to stay in the UK, that he had missed reapplying his visa. In August, he also told her he was in a relationship prior with a Swedish woman for four years, which had completely crushed him. While his divorce had destroyed him financially and mentally, his relationship with the Swedish woman had destroyed his trust. By the end of August, it was over.

She had her first argument with Steph over her breakup. She was sharing her perspective of the  relationship and her thoughts and feelings, trying to make make sense of it all. She was in pain and was distraught. She was trying to take responsibility for her share in the failure of the relationship such as unable to completely accept Marc for himself including his financial status, avoidant attachment styles and silent treatment. Steph blamed it on all Marc which she thought was unfair. He seemed to grow silent and the next time, she initiated the contact, he was as happy as a lark to see her messages. This is one of the things she would come to love about him.

Pain

The pain from trauma is unbearable. 

False promises, lies and then disappearance. It hurts. I don't know how to stop this pain and make the hurt go away. Why does someone who is in no position to commit to a relationship enchant and make people fall in love? Why does a married person trifle with someone who has limerence and attachment issues? Feeling abandoned is the worst pain.

How does it work? How does someone go from loving you to completely erasing your memory altogether? A proposal this year only to marry someone else the next? How do they do this? What changes in 6 months? 

Most importantly, how could they disappear? Doesn't it hurt at all? Are they so logical that they are devoid of emotions? Do they consider other people to be so insignificant, mean less than nothing that they feel they can trample others hearts?  Does the time spent mean nothing? Do they get so much pleasure in hurting others? One day you are laughing and the next you never see the person ever again? How do they do this? What do they get out of it?

Is it a lot to ask for a bit of kindness, honesty, empathy? Why is it difficult for some to take the time to explain, set expectations, boundaries, to be there for the other person? Why are they so brutal? 

A red red rose

A Red, Red, rose

- Robert Burns

Romeo and Juliet, Sir Frank Dicksee ,1884

O my Luve is like a red, red rose

   That’s newly sprung in June;

O my Luve is like the melody

   That’s sweetly played in tune.

So fair art thou, my bonnie lad,

   So deep in luve am I;

And I will luve thee still, my dear,

   Till a’ the seas gang dry.

Till a’ the seas gang dry, my dear,

   And the rocks melt wi’ the sun;

I will love thee still, my dear,

   While the sands o’ life shall run.

And fare thee weel, my only luve!

   And fare thee weel awhile!

And I will come again, my luve,

   Though it were ten thousand mile.

     

But I would walk five hundred miles
And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand
Miles to fall down at your door

my petals lie at your feet...

Bardic Wisdom

 Taliesin is a celebrated Welsh poet whose songs are still an inspiration today. He is said to have lived in the 6th century AD and was the adopted grandson of one of Wales' most powerful kings.

Think before thou speakest:

First, what thou shalt speak;

Second, why thou shouldest speak;

Third, to whom thou mayest have to speak;

Fourth, about whom thou art to speak;

Fifth, what will come from what thou mayest speak;

Sixth, what may be the benefit from what thou shalt speak;

Seventh, who may be listening to what thou shalt speak.

Put thy word on thy fingers' ends before thou speakest it, and
turn it these seven ways before thou speakest it, and there will

never come any harm from what thou shalt say.

Trauma - Loss of Self Identity

Our thoughts, behaviors, words, perceptions, actions are shaped and influenced by our build up/make (the way our brain is wired etc), childhood experiences, our experiences as the years go by and life lessons. 

A safe, secure childhood and worldly experience pave way for a happy, healthy and peacefully content life. 

Traumatic experiences slowly chip away at our self confidence, self respect, self esteem, self worth and ultimately self identify. 

Examples of Trauma are physical, verbal, mental, emotional, financial, sexual abuse. 

Physical abuse: Domestic violence, crime, accidents, physical assault, medical illness, man made/natural disasters, terrorism, war zone/combat situation, witnessing physical violence

Verbal abuse: Constant criticism, shouted at, belittlement, bullying, constant nagging 

Emotional Abuse: Neglect, humiliation, silent treatment, divorce, death of loved one, lack of recognition, gaslighting, absentee parents or loved ones, never praised or encouraged, instability, walking on eggshells, witnessing death

Mental/Spiritual Abuse: Separation from a care giver, lack of attention and parental love, rejection, racism, religious persecution, denial of identity persecuted for gender, sexual orientation, generational trauma

Financial abuse: Childhood poverty, loss of job, loss of wealth, business failure, money challenges, poverty thinking, robbery

Sexual abuse: Sexual harassment, molestation, rape

The effects of traumatic events are feelings of  

anger,

fear,

shame, 

grief, 

helplessness, 

powerlessness, 

inability to cope with change, 

trust issues, 

inability to hold a job, 

unstable relationships, 

forgetfulness, 

unable to be punctual, 

procrastination, 

substance abuse, 

limerence, 

confusion, 

poor emotional maturity, 

shock/horror, 

hypervigilance, 

blaming oneself, 

endless and constant rumination, 

dissociation, 

people pleasing, 

flashbacks, 

personality disorders, 

attachment issues, 

depression, 

anxiety, 

excessive worry, 

panic attacks, 

anxiety attacks, 

self neglect, 

self harm, 

inability to make decisions (analysis paralysis), 

insomnia, 

eating disorders, 

anhedonia (loss of interest in hobbies and living, losing the ability to feel pleasure), 

numbness (feeling empty), 

suicidal ideation and 

loss of self identity.

Learning about trauma and rebuilding/regaining self identity can help lead better lives. 

How do we build self identity, self esteem and self worth? With Self Love.

Self love