The Story - Part 3

Steph's rejection hurt her. She felt inadequate, it confirmed her fears of limerence. It reiterated what she had known, that she could not fit in his world, could not form a part of his world and yet could not forget him. She created a post of her love for him and told him of her lucid dreams. He left a romantic note as comments. He said he created a blog LoveconquersDepression and was planning to write. She was delighted. She attempted to explain why she fell for him. She felt that he came at her like a ocean hide hide drowning her with care and fun and joy. she enjoyed drowning and being washed away by the tide. She liked him for who he revealed himself to be. He replied that at first he was nervous and was not sure what drove him. But that he felt a little bit more confident in the relationship. He was calmer now but his moods might fluctuate later. 

She expressed surprise that he liked her at all. He said that their tastes in books, music align which suggests that their energies align and we pick up on subtle clues. She said that he calms her down and he said that she calms him as well.  He felt that she likes the sad side of him and he is like Flyn Rider who has a heart of gold tinged with sadness. He has a deep sadness and he words the sentences to show the sadness in a way that is artsy and that she picks up on it. He thought she liked the romance, sadness, confidence and idealism in him. He felt that it has to be bad and should break the rules. He asked her about her parents, if they would accept him. She replied honestly that they may not but maybe with age, they had changed and she was not sure about how they might react. He told her he checked the weather of her place and surprised her by suggesting a few of the places near her home for a walk.

She described about falling for him similar to learning about pollination and picking up a flower, peeling of its petals to see the stalk, stigma and the to see how flowers become fruits. She said that he was like the dancing petals of a flower when he talked about things that excite him and getting to know him was like peeling the petals of a flower and the more she learned the more she was delighted. He said that he felt he could fill a need in her but the long term effect could be pain. She explained that she could not have an affair she wanted a marriage, a family and every commitment that goes with it. He said it was scary to him because it would harm so many people. 

That day she asked him about his education and work experience. He had finished his education and had three degrees in Physics, Sociology and Computers. He then started a company in IT with a friend and worked for multiple companies. That was the first time he mentioned his trauma. He did not want to talk about it as it was giving him a headache. 

The Story - Part 2

Summer was officially over, fall was turning the leaves golden and yellow. Steph was describing his garden to her. After the breakup, she was devastated but relied on Steph and her friends for emotional support. The relationship itself lasted three months but she felt the effect of the past trauma very keenly. Steph encouraged her to go out. All she was now capable of doing was shower, cook and eat. While she used to sleep around midnight, she was sleeping later and later until she started sleeping at six in the morning. Steph was there for her constantly. He would appear every few hours in between meetings to check on her, talk to her and get to know her. He encouraged her to paint the walls of her kitchen and the repairs in her bedroom. He always talked about his love for outdoors and working out and encouraged her to go out in the sun and workout more. He joked that if he were brown, he would stay all day in the sun. In the course of a month, they felt a bond and connection that was a mutual delight.

At first, Steph did not reveal much of himself to her. She felt he was being very cautious and was testing the waters if she is genuine and if she is who she said she is. Their conversations centered around workplace, crushes on bosses, people who have fallen for them and stories about how he impressed some of the women in his life. He mildly seemed to flirt with her and she lapped up the attention. He sent her his recordings with one of the women he fell in love with singing at the end of the song. At first, he sent her a very attractive picture but with the hoodie of the jacket on. She joked that he looked like a very beautiful, muslim woman with a head scarf. He also told her he was 46 years old. They had conversations about core values where she mentioned that hers were honesty, integrity and ethics. He valued human connection and happiness above all else. He then revealed his true age which was 52 and that he has had affairs in the past. While she found this mildly shocking, she was touched that he would actually trust her with the truth and was more drawn to him. With this mutual acceptance and delight to have found each other, she wanted to learn more about him.

Steph was a revelation to her. She had never met anyone like him. He had a normal childhood with well to parents who were loving and supportive. He played rugby, tennis, golf and loved mixed martial arts, jujutsu and judo. He said that he was a kid who was not very interested in other people. He was smart, intelligent, healthy and physically active and he knew it. He was a popular kid in high school and said it was easy being popular. It was in university he found women and that had changed his world. He played piano, sax, drums, bass, guitar and sang sweetly. He impressed her by sending her the song he had recorded for her. He believed in forgiveness, nonjudgementalness, unlimited second chances, softness, self sacrifice and love. He did not believe in search for justice. She found herself mesmerized by him. She sent him the link to her blog and they discovered similar tastes in books. He like Silmarillion to LOTR, the Dune books and romantic books like Anna Karenina. 

She started telling him everything about herself. Her childhood, trauma, abuse, growing up with strict parents, the religious upbringing, the love of gardens and birds her mother had instilled in her. She told him about her fondest childhood memories, collecting flowers in the garden, watering the plants, watching birds' nests. They talked about politics and they agreed a lot, where she disagreed, he gently explained the reasons for his opinion and she found herself agreeing to it. They talked about religion and race and economy. He was a big guy at 6 4' and when he said he could take on any man in a fight, she found his confidence and arrogance charming. He liked when she called him a charming liar. 

She wanted to know him more. She asked him for a voice note just to see what he sounded like, but he refused and instead sent his recordings. She asked to voice call and he sent her voice notes.  When he mentioned that he had a very secure relationship with his wife, they went out on dates and she felt the first pain pierce her heart. She wanted to watch a movie with him and when she learned that he had watched Notting Hill with his wife, she left the chat. She found herself falling for him. She told him about her attachment issues and shared the videos on limerance and suggested that they perhaps should stop speaking. He had always flirted with her in a romantic way but never in any other manner. He promised to keep the conversation absolutely appropriate and not to push boundaries for fun.

While Steph made the promise, she felt he did not stick to it. He talked about the honeymoon tradition which originated in the medieval times where the groom would kidnap his bride and hold her until her family would give up the search or she would get pregnant, making all questions of her return moot. She smiled and replied he could kidnap her anytime and she wanted a girl baby but a boy baby would be great too. She started lucid dreaming about him and told him her dreams. He told her that he did not want to lose her, he could only be a friend to her and that of course if they met at 20 and lived in same country, he would have asked for a date, but that is not reality. 

The Story - Part 1

It was the strangest meet cute. They met in a mental health chat support site. She was a user for four years. She accidentally discovered the website during the pandemic when the usual chat site she went to for social contact was shut down until further notice due to reports of pedophilia. It was June. She had received the information that she was laid off in May. She fell into deep depression. It seemed to be the inevitable end to what was turning out to be freefall of mishaps and misunderstanding at her workplace. She was not surprised, she knew something was coming. It was a relief when she was told about the layoffs. 

Her mind however went into a deep survival mode depression. She showered, ate, cooked and watched Bluebloods. Her sleep schedule was topsy turvy, she slept when she was tired, laid in bed and watched her show. That was when she met Steph. Steph was a user in the same chat site. He was talking about his gardens, how he had these beautiful trees and plants and flowers blooming. He was brimming with sunshine and happiness, a sharp contrast from the usual, dreary misfortunes that was aired by the tormented souls who vented on the main chat. She was transported to the Japanese zen gardens she had created in mind when she read "Memoirs of Geisha". She responded how she loved gardens and plants. Steph private messaged her. His username was ****. Hers was ***. He talked to her about planting Cayla lillies and the trees and his plans to expand his garden. He was saying how the garden was in full bloom that summer. She imagined a small, Japanese woman toiling away at the perfect garden with a wooden bridge, a small pond  beneath with koi fish and flowers blooming on the shore of the pond with huge trees in the background. She loved his energy and was warmed by the enthusiasm emanating from her mobile screen. She lowered her guard and talked about her childhood enthusiasm for the small garden and the plants her parents grew. She told him about being laid off at work and her troubles with work. He encouraged her to seek employment in other countries and to move there. Imagine her surprise when she learned that he was a Canadian, married and worked in a leadership position with Dcx. She chastised herself for thinking that all kind souls are women and decided to form a friendship with him.

The next few weeks Steph private messaged her whenever he was online. She was of course online all the time, neglecting to live her life, struggling to do basic chores, finding motivation from the Spanish guy, Marc, whom she had recently met in the chatsite who motivated her, listened and empathised with her and was by then her boyfriend of two weeks. Marc was her first white boyfriend and by mid July, she was smitten with him. Steph was a good friend in her mind. He messaged her whenever he was online. They talked of architecture, temples she loved, her trip to one of the beautiful temples in June. She brushed aside his suggestions about moving abroad for work having turned down an opportunity to work in London the previous year. She shared details about her work and the toxic environment she had come to resent and the disastrous end to her previous job. He was kind and cheerful and supportive. 

In the months of June, July and August she rarely had time for her friends because she was getting to know Marc. She had slowly started to paint her furniture, her bedroom, clean, cook and eat healthily. She was turning positive about the future. It was a huge struggle for her to go out to buy stuff, paints for the walls, groceries etc. But with the support of Marc and the new energy she got from the relationship, the happiness from being accepted and the validation from a guy, she managed to have a semblance of life despite her struggles. By mid July, she learned that Marc's wife had accused him of domestic violence, he was financially not well off and would not be able to support a new family if she wanted one with him. Their plans to meet in person came to an end when Marc told her that he did not have a legal visa to stay in the UK, that he had missed reapplying his visa. In August, he also told her he was in a relationship prior with a Swedish woman for four years, which had completely crushed him. While his divorce had destroyed him financially and mentally, his relationship with the Swedish woman had destroyed his trust. By the end of August, it was over.

She had her first argument with Steph over her breakup. She was sharing her perspective of the  relationship and her thoughts and feelings, trying to make make sense of it all. She was in pain and was distraught. She was trying to take responsibility for her share in the failure of the relationship such as unable to completely accept Marc for himself including his financial status, avoidant attachment styles and silent treatment. Steph blamed it on all Marc which she thought was unfair. He seemed to grow silent and the next time, she initiated the contact, he was as happy as a lark to see her messages. This is one of the things she would come to love about him.

Pain

The pain from trauma is unbearable. 

False promises, lies and then disappearance. It hurts. I don't know how to stop this pain and make the hurt go away. Why does someone who is in no position to commit to a relationship enchant and make people fall in love? Why does a married person trifle with someone who has limerence and attachment issues? Feeling abandoned is the worst pain.

How does it work? How does someone go from loving you to completely erasing your memory altogether? A proposal this year only to marry someone else the next? How do they do this? What changes in 6 months? 

Most importantly, how could they disappear? Doesn't it hurt at all? Are they so logical that they are devoid of emotions? Do they consider other people to be so insignificant, mean less than nothing that they feel they can trample others hearts?  Does the time spent mean nothing? Do they get so much pleasure in hurting others? One day you are laughing and the next you never see the person ever again? How do they do this? What do they get out of it?

Is it a lot to ask for a bit of kindness, honesty, empathy? Why is it difficult for some to take the time to explain, set expectations, boundaries, to be there for the other person? Why are they so brutal?