Desolation

She remarks innocently on one of the comments. He gets intrigued and wants to learn more about her. 

They start talking and get to know each other. He tests the boundaries and pushes it as much as possible. 

She has attachment issues and limerence. She finds herself overwhelmed by the avalanche of attention and fun. She gets scared, expresses her fear for boundaries, emotional upheaval and tempest. He promises to hold back but she feels it is too late. 

She weaves fantasies. He tell her he is just a friend several times. But he weaves a different kind of romantic fantasies. She is confused by the mixed signals and messaging. 

She finds herself in a quicksand, only she enjoys the moments of drowning. There is a looming fear of not existing but there is also the current exhilaration.

She notices several red flags: he is married, he tells her repeatedly he is just a friend and wants to find love with someone else. He does not ask after her health or offer support while she is suffering. He rebuffs her with I'm not sure how to help you. I am not trained. He leaves her when she is distressed. He clearly does not make time to talk to her even as a friend. 

While in the beginning, he was constantly spending time with her, as time passes, he only talks to her when he needs her, mostly at the end of the day for a few minutes. What he says is a fantasy of romance, a story, a fantasy interspersed with I am just being a friend.

While she felt his genuine interest at the start and a curiosity to know more, a fascination because she is different, during the last days, she feels he thinks of her as a passing acquaintance. 

She is confused and lost, Her past trauma gets triggered by her abandonment, She gets anxious and feels abandoned. She is confused why she is unable to cope like everyone else and move on. It is heartbreaking. The future that seemed bleak and foggy now looks annihilated.

She craves his presence and the initial days. She curses herself for speaking her mind. Her overactive mind swirls the possibilities of what ifs and if only. She beats herself up for repeating the mistakes over and over. She vents but it isn't enough. She asks everyone if they ever seen him. 

She cries out for him,  looks for any sign of him and searches to reach out to him. It turns out to be a waste of time, energy and expectations. She begins to question if he ever did say the truth. She does not know his name, any pertinent detail that would identify him. She starts to think everything is a lie. 

She does not want to hold on to the memories, to suffer for someone who could callously abandon her. But, she knows not a way to let go.