Two worlds

 SHE knew she would not fit in his world. 

Their worlds were as different as sun and the moon. Their darkness was the only thing that was common.

While he did not reveal to her his dark world, she told him about both her light and dark world.

He lapped up her energy and child like charm even through the pain and darkness.

 He had everything going for him on the surface. A great career, wealth, a beautiful wife, accomplished daughter. He was old having lived a full life. He had varied interests music, sports, outdoors, hiking and traveling. 

She had a modest livelihood, a job and loneliness. She felt her days were numbered. She was once full of life, dreams and happiness. But the last decade, life was not kind to her. She was stuck in a rut.

She knew she would never fit in his world. She couldn't drive, talk or laugh. Their food, culture, language, society, lives were different. 

Yet he had intruded in her life and she had dreamed. The differences did not seem insurmountable. And he had let her. 

Love

When you love someone,

you enjoy spending time with them

you love talking to them and sharing your thoughts

you laugh a lot with them

you spend as much time as you can with them

you want to know their thoughts and opinions and every facet of them

you are honest with them and want to be a better person for them

you compliment them and you are proud of them

you are attracted to them

you only have eyes for them

you notice their flaws and embrace them anyway

you see a future with them

you care for their health

you ask for their opinions and include them in your decisions

you see yourself including them in your current and future plans

you are willing to compromise and step out of your comfort zone

you see yourself growing old with them

you like who you are when you are with them. 

Desolation

She remarks innocently on one of the comments. He gets intrigued and wants to learn more about her. 

They start talking and get to know each other. He tests the boundaries and pushes it as much as possible. 

She has attachment issues and limerence. She finds herself overwhelmed by the avalanche of attention and fun. She gets scared, expresses her fear for boundaries, emotional upheaval and tempest. He promises to hold back but she feels it is too late. 

She weaves fantasies. He tell her he is just a friend several times. But he weaves a different kind of romantic fantasies. She is confused by the mixed signals and messaging. 

She finds herself in a quicksand, only she enjoys the moments of drowning. There is a looming fear of not existing but there is also the current exhilaration.

She notices several red flags: he is married, he tells her repeatedly he is just a friend and wants to find love with someone else. He does not ask after her health or offer support while she is suffering. He rebuffs her with I'm not sure how to help you. I am not trained. He leaves her when she is distressed. He clearly does not make time to talk to her even as a friend. 

While in the beginning, he was constantly spending time with her, as time passes, he only talks to her when he needs her, mostly at the end of the day for a few minutes. What he says is a fantasy of romance, a story, a fantasy interspersed with I am just being a friend.

While she felt his genuine interest at the start and a curiosity to know more, a fascination because she is different, during the last days, she feels he thinks of her as a passing acquaintance. 

She is confused and lost, Her past trauma gets triggered by her abandonment, She gets anxious and feels abandoned. She is confused why she is unable to cope like everyone else and move on. It is heartbreaking. The future that seemed bleak and foggy now looks annihilated.

She craves his presence and the initial days. She curses herself for speaking her mind. Her overactive mind swirls the possibilities of what ifs and if only. She beats herself up for repeating the mistakes over and over. She vents but it isn't enough. She asks everyone if they ever seen him. 

She cries out for him,  looks for any sign of him and searches to reach out to him. It turns out to be a waste of time, energy and expectations. She begins to question if he ever did say the truth. She does not know his name, any pertinent detail that would identify him. She starts to think everything is a lie. 

She does not want to hold on to the memories, to suffer for someone who could callously abandon her. But, she knows not a way to let go.

Abandoned

Have any of u broken up with a friend? 

How did u cope? 

Does it hurt that they just dont give a damn and can leave so easily?

Did they really care? Was it all lies? I can't think that it was all lies. That just seems so impossible to believe. But it has to be lies, if they can leave cruelly. Not knowing it making me so angry, but the anger is just my sadness hiding.

I feel like its a playbook for some people, both men and women, not a gender thing.

 They have some void in their life, to fill it they seek company of a nice person. 

They suck their energies, weave fantasises, push boundaries and mesmerise them.

Once they realise the nice person is way into them, they realise the reality that the other person is a living, breathing being, not a toy, thing who they can say whatever they want to. 

Then, they get spooked.  So they disappear. It is so easy for them to disappear because nothing about them is real. Its only fantasy.

And because it is a lie, a fantasy to them, it doesn't hurt them.

They can just find another victim. To do the same thing to other people over and over.

I dont really care about acquaintances or friends talking behind my back or making fun of me or not helping me even though they receive help. I just let go. Because its ok I didn't care all that deeply, we were just friends for a while, it was good while it lasted. 

But when I care truly and deeply its hard to let go.