Thoughts

 I hope my friends in blogland are well!

I have not been well over the past several years. I have been getting better recently. However, it feels like I'm completely broken and can never be put together again. 

I keep trying to assemble the broken pieces and put it together but it seems impossible. Do you guys ever feel this way?

It seems to me no matter what I do or how much I learn, I can never be the person I once was, carefree and joyous even if I were dramatic. 

Recently, I was betrayed by someone I trusted. This person need not have said anything, I don't know if I would have made an alternate decision. But, given my complete state of analysis paralysis, I would have listened to a trusted person's advise in my life and most likely have made a different decision.

Now that I realise, I was most likely played, I don't understand the motives or behaviour of such people. Why would someone do this deliberately? Why would someone lie and betray the trust? This is of course not the first time this has happened to me. The worst part is I still like this person. I don't know how to tell my brain that it was a lie and I should give up on them. I seem incapable of doing so and keep wishing and hoping that it was a mistake and this person is a decent one.

It does however come in the heels of a massive betrayal a few years ago, And at a time when I am healing which has led to a setback. 

I don't know what I want anymore. It has been completely demotivating and I cannot envision anything anymore. Have you guys ever felt like you were safe and suddenly the safety was all a pretend and now you cannot be there anymore? To top it all off, you have to pretend to be happy and do the same thing over and over. I realised I was stuck in a groundhog day which is why I decided to do something to change in fall 2021. And last year everything seem to be coming together. But then I made a wrong decision and now it has again fallen apart.

I absolutely want to give up. I can't find a reason to continue living the groundhog day. I do realise most people would love to be in my situation. It is all externally well and pleasant. But it is not really well inside. Do you guys have any words of wisdom? Any encouraging thoughts?

What do you do when you want to give up? Who do you turn to when everything is bleak?

P.S If you're commenting please login or leave a name. It is frightening to get very personal messages from an anonymous account. I did get a message with my name in it but it was posted by anonymous. Thanks for understanding!