"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free."
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Tuesday 30 May 2023

Emotions - Anger

I feel everything very deeply. It is always a mix of emotions, simply not one emotion whatever the circumstances are. But one thing comes across clearly, anger.

Sometimes it is the frustration from not being able to emote clearly or understand the emotions. 

Most often the emotions and reactions are simultaneous, there is just a split second, no time to pause or think. There is just action no thought and the subconscious mind takes over.  The triggers are so powerful that it is impossible to breathe, think, analyse and ignore the fluff and respond in a smart, tactical way.

There is no resistance to change angry behaviour, but resistance that anger can be paused and handled in a controlled manner because of the way it feels, like being overwhelmed without any choice.

Underlying emotions:

The anger could be foremost emotion but there are other emotions too. Sometimes anger disguises the other underlying emotions such as sadness, hurt, disappointment, guilt, shame etc It is easier and comfortable to feel and express anger than the other emotions. 

Peel the anger back and take a peek at the underlying emotions: Often it is hurt or being wronged

Understand the emotion and the origin by using mindfulness

Slow down the moment like a replay of the scene frame by frame. Create a brief pause to create a moment to think. Identify and understand the trigger. Say, the conversation with a person, always triggers anger, write down the dialogue and what is being said by the person.  

Rewrite your perception of understanding what the person means by their words. 

Write down what the trigger was, what the thought was that showed up (I'm being told that I'm wrong, doing doing a good job, being blamed for something that I cannot control, I was wronged and that memory is triggered etc.), define the emotions, the physiological sensations (fast hearbeat, high pressure, high temperature, shaking, crying, etc)

Once this is understood, write it down. Repeat the said words back to the person and seek clarification and ask if the understanding is right. 

Respond to the question and ask if it helps their understanding.

Thus make a different choice instead of anger.

Being Right v wrong and safe v threat:

Giving up being right or safe might mean putting your own or others lifes at risk. 

Right / Wrong card game - Analyse the consequences of being write and wrong

Write down the thoughts and use it to analyse if it is right or wrong. Whether we are right or wrong, the problem remain unsolved. 

Always being right does not bring the happiness and safety that we seek. 

Let go for having to be right and focus instead on actions and behaviour that brings happiness.

Anger is a much richer experience than a physiological/ reflecive response to all triggers accompanied by angry behavior. 

Anger is a source of information to identify the core values. Anger arises because something we value is disrespected or disregarded. 

Identify what the anger is trying to tell and choose mindfully to respond instead of react, thus making Anger to help engage in valued behaviour. 

Practice makes perfect!!

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