Trauma - Loss of Self Identity

Our thoughts, behaviors, words, perceptions, actions are shaped and influenced by our build up/make (the way our brain is wired etc), childhood experiences, our experiences as the years go by and life lessons. 

A safe, secure childhood and worldly experience pave way for a happy, healthy and peacefully content life. 

Traumatic experiences slowly chip away at our self confidence, self respect, self esteem, self worth and ultimately self identify. 

Examples of Trauma are physical, verbal, mental, emotional, financial, sexual abuse. 

Physical abuse: Domestic violence, crime, accidents, physical assault, medical illness, man made/natural disasters, terrorism, war zone/combat situation, witnessing physical violence

Verbal abuse: Constant criticism, shouted at, belittlement, bullying, constant nagging 

Emotional Abuse: Neglect, humiliation, silent treatment, divorce, death of loved one, lack of recognition, gaslighting, absentee parents or loved ones, never praised or encouraged, instability, walking on eggshells, witnessing death

Mental/Spiritual Abuse: Separation from a care giver, lack of attention and parental love, rejection, racism, religious persecution, denial of identity persecuted for gender, sexual orientation, generational trauma

Financial abuse: Childhood poverty, loss of job, loss of wealth, business failure, money challenges, poverty thinking, robbery

Sexual abuse: Sexual harassment, molestation, rape

The effects of traumatic events are feelings of  

anger,

fear,

shame, 

grief, 

helplessness, 

powerlessness, 

inability to cope with change, 

trust issues, 

inability to hold a job, 

unstable relationships, 

forgetfulness, 

unable to be punctual, 

procrastination, 

substance abuse, 

limerence, 

confusion, 

poor emotional maturity, 

shock/horror, 

hypervigilance, 

blaming oneself, 

endless and constant rumination, 

dissociation, 

people pleasing, 

flashbacks, 

personality disorders, 

attachment issues, 

depression, 

anxiety, 

excessive worry, 

panic attacks, 

anxiety attacks, 

self neglect, 

self harm, 

inability to make decisions (analysis paralysis), 

insomnia, 

eating disorders, 

anhedonia (loss of interest in hobbies and living, losing the ability to feel pleasure), 

numbness (feeling empty), 

suicidal ideation and 

loss of self identity.

Learning about trauma and rebuilding/regaining self identity can help lead better lives. 

How do we build self identity, self esteem and self worth? With Self Love.

Self love

Emotions - Anger

I feel everything very deeply. It is always a mix of emotions, simply not one emotion whatever the circumstances are. But one thing comes across clearly, anger.

Sometimes it is the frustration from not being able to emote clearly or understand the emotions. 

Most often the emotions and reactions are simultaneous, there is just a split second, no time to pause or think. There is just action no thought and the subconscious mind takes over.  The triggers are so powerful that it is impossible to breathe, think, analyse and ignore the fluff and respond in a smart, tactical way.

There is no resistance to change angry behaviour, but resistance that anger can be paused and handled in a controlled manner because of the way it feels, like being overwhelmed without any choice.

Underlying emotions:

The anger could be foremost emotion but there are other emotions too. Sometimes anger disguises the other underlying emotions such as sadness, hurt, disappointment, guilt, shame etc It is easier and comfortable to feel and express anger than the other emotions. 

Peel the anger back and take a peek at the underlying emotions: Often it is hurt or being wronged

Understand the emotion and the origin by using mindfulness

Slow down the moment like a replay of the scene frame by frame. Create a brief pause to create a moment to think. Identify and understand the trigger. Say, the conversation with a person, always triggers anger, write down the dialogue and what is being said by the person.  

Rewrite your perception of understanding what the person means by their words. 

Write down what the trigger was, what the thought was that showed up (I'm being told that I'm wrong, doing doing a good job, being blamed for something that I cannot control, I was wronged and that memory is triggered etc.), define the emotions, the physiological sensations (fast hearbeat, high pressure, high temperature, shaking, crying, etc)

Once this is understood, write it down. Repeat the said words back to the person and seek clarification and ask if the understanding is right. 

Respond to the question and ask if it helps their understanding.

Thus make a different choice instead of anger.

Being Right v wrong and safe v threat:

Giving up being right or safe might mean putting your own or others lifes at risk. 

Right / Wrong card game - Analyse the consequences of being write and wrong

Write down the thoughts and use it to analyse if it is right or wrong. Whether we are right or wrong, the problem remain unsolved. 

Always being right does not bring the happiness and safety that we seek. 

Let go for having to be right and focus instead on actions and behaviour that brings happiness.

Anger is a much richer experience than a physiological/ reflecive response to all triggers accompanied by angry behavior. 

Anger is a source of information to identify the core values. Anger arises because something we value is disrespected or disregarded. 

Identify what the anger is trying to tell and choose mindfully to respond instead of react, thus making Anger to help engage in valued behaviour. 

Practice makes perfect!!

Thoughts

 I hope my friends in blogland are well!

I have not been well over the past several years. I have been getting better recently. However, it feels like I'm completely broken and can never be put together again. 

I keep trying to assemble the broken pieces and put it together but it seems impossible. Do you guys ever feel this way?

It seems to me no matter what I do or how much I learn, I can never be the person I once was, carefree and joyous even if I were dramatic. 

Recently, I was betrayed by someone I trusted. This person need not have said anything, I don't know if I would have made an alternate decision. But, given my complete state of analysis paralysis, I would have listened to a trusted person's advise in my life and most likely have made a different decision.

Now that I realise, I was most likely played, I don't understand the motives or behaviour of such people. Why would someone do this deliberately? Why would someone lie and betray the trust? This is of course not the first time this has happened to me. The worst part is I still like this person. I don't know how to tell my brain that it was a lie and I should give up on them. I seem incapable of doing so and keep wishing and hoping that it was a mistake and this person is a decent one.

It does however come in the heels of a massive betrayal a few years ago, And at a time when I am healing which has led to a setback. 

I don't know what I want anymore. It has been completely demotivating and I cannot envision anything anymore. Have you guys ever felt like you were safe and suddenly the safety was all a pretend and now you cannot be there anymore? To top it all off, you have to pretend to be happy and do the same thing over and over. I realised I was stuck in a groundhog day which is why I decided to do something to change in fall 2021. And last year everything seem to be coming together. But then I made a wrong decision and now it has again fallen apart.

I absolutely want to give up. I can't find a reason to continue living the groundhog day. I do realise most people would love to be in my situation. It is all externally well and pleasant. But it is not really well inside. Do you guys have any words of wisdom? Any encouraging thoughts?

What do you do when you want to give up? Who do you turn to when everything is bleak?

P.S If you're commenting please login or leave a name. It is frightening to get very personal messages from an anonymous account. I did get a message with my name in it but it was posted by anonymous. Thanks for understanding!

Pictures

 Here are some pictures from my recent trip to Odisha :) 

Jagannath Temple

Puri Beach

Rainy Day

Chandrabhaga Beach

Sun Temple, Konark

Sun Temple, Konark

Sun Temple, Konark

Puri Beach